Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
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Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
the official breakfast of 2021
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Saw online –
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.