@PatsATweetin

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

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@dumbbeezie

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

@JonnyStallone

If you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say “in Jesus name amen”

@VikeeysSecret

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

@T_N_Crumpets

Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat

@RegularFred

[Rorschach test]
Patient: Leprechauns in cheetah print unitards kickflipping over flaming tree stumps
Dr: I think we can skip the others

@WilliamAder

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

@WhatsAGreenhorn

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

@Token_Geezer

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

@Heather2Go

To support all you Movember guys, I’m not shaving my legs this month. To be honest, I probably won’t shave in Mecember or Manuary either.