Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

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People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie


If you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say “in Jesus name amen”


Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.


Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat


[Rorschach test]
Patient: Leprechauns in cheetah print unitards kickflipping over flaming tree stumps
Dr: I think we can skip the others


Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”


Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.


I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late


To support all you Movember guys, I’m not shaving my legs this month. To be honest, I probably won’t shave in Mecember or Manuary either.