Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

hydraulic press for headaches

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

ugh not again

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.

Me: speak for yourself

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

We have a winner.

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

These 3D printers are insane!

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy