Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it