[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
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Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
#Caturday
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem