[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
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“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no