[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
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You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Well, shit
