[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
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I’ve had relationships like this
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
😭😭
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…