Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

good cop: you do not have to talk to us

bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.