I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
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My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.