“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
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Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
I gave my kids one last chance to stop playing with their whistle in the house.
But they blew it.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek