“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
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Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Lol #dogsoftwitter
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)