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[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Happy birthday to all the women
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.