Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
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Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
be nice to me or i will put you in the soup
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.