Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
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<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
The dark side of Canada
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.