non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
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I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
