non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
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Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child