Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.

3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!

Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?

3:…

Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?

3:…

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”