Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

TEETH IS INNOCENT

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron:

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.