Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

life finds a way

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

Thoughts

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.

[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”

Guy: “It’s completely full.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night