Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

when you are just born a rebel

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.