Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car

‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

911?

~He’s eating Top Ramen!

911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water

~NO! He’s eating it like soup!

911: That’s fucked up

~I KNOW RIGHT