non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”![]()
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So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
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This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
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My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
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To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
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Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.