Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
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Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
5 ways to appear taller
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..