Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
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Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks