*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
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Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
If only
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.