*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
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When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.