*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
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Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I’m about to risk it all
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.