@geowizzacist

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

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@_chismosa_

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

@Underchilde

I’m sorry but shits and giggles don’t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.

@colonel_trilL

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

@ShootyDoody

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

@dshack8

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

@lucyworld1

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

@timdonakowski

Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.

@kwirkyKerri

Of course I’m not leaving. I’m just going to step outside for a minute. (Runs to car)