*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
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Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.