None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
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If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.