None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
You Might Also Like
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
i can’t work under these festive conditions
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.