None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
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If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Overindulged this afternoon.
NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!