None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
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I bet
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
oh my gosh!!
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Feels like there should be a middle ground
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.