None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
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“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
no one ever comes back
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.