Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

There’s never enough good news

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.