Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

Them: “Did you know you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?”

Me: “Oh my brain does that when I’m out and I see people I know”

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

ㅤ

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.