None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
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[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Attacked by a mop.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang