Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.

Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.

Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

Respect