Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

They did not think through this water fountain

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*

Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?