none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
You Might Also Like
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth: