none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

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Why didn’t Harry just grab the horcruxes, fly on the giant eagles to Mordor, and have Yoda destroy them with his phaser???


The best part about being a comma is that you’re usually followed by a nice big BUT.


Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.


Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems


My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.


[on horseback dressed as a knight]

ME: I wish to battle your King

CASHIER: Sir please get out of the drive-thru

ME: Tell that coward to come out and defend his throne

CASHIER: There is no actual Burger King

ME: Lies


I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.


The year is 2057: Friday the 13th part 573…. Jason finds a fabulous pair of shoes to match his outfit.


You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself


I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex