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Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.