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When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
be the person your targeted ads think you should be