None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
You Might Also Like
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Dishonest mechanic?
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
“Why you watching this shit?”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.