None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
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Now, where’s the sport in that?
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours