Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

checking out some reviews of my local library

[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.

“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.

cop: where were u between 7 and 8

me: third grade? idk

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

Cucumbers Anonymous

You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.