None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
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“just sayin” who asked you though?
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
Yes, this is exactly right
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
All. The. Damn. Time.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?