Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald

[last meal on death row]

“Pepper?”

*nods*

“Say when”

*winks to camera*

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?

The midwife: 😐

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

plant them where lol

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner

son: why not???

me: because

son: because you ate it all for lunch again?

me:

son:

me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast

no their not

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.