None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
You Might Also Like
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Whoops
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart