None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
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I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
My fantasy football season is going great
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Happy Halloween 🎃
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet