None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
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“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
what?
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Breaking news:
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.