[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
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The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Come back with a warrant
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
at ease…shoulder.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?