none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
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My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them