none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
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I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
#TopTip
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette