none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
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Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Noah was an idiot.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed