none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
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Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
cats when you pet them too long:
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted