Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper

me: [from a distance] just open it

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”

Monday

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.

The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.

Don’t touch me.

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.

{asks friend for help with a draft}

*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’

Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”