“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
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telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.