Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house
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[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
I can’t stop watching this.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
