Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

Yes

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

oh you like nyc? name every rat

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one

BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once