Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
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I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Another day, another…goddammit