Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
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Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
cat faces on other animals, a thread
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“