Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
You Might Also Like
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.