Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
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Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
good let them take over I have had enough
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.