Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Body by cheese-puffs.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
