Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
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5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Bike for sale
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*