NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
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Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I can also cook 😂
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“I’m helping” 😅
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
You can’t outrun your problems…
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.