Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!

Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.

If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

Who knew!

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

*Texting with my wife while she’s out*

Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !

Me: YOU’RE *

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head