NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
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My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things