NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
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Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Plumber: I think I found the problem
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
welp
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
What if the weather talks about us?
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
😼🖥️
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.