Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

“Hermit crab” describes me twice.

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

this was very charming

Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

Bite me again

– my bottom lip

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to

whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.

The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

We know he can swim but…

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.