Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”

When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*